A little over five months ago, I made two important changes in my life: The first was that I quite my full time nanny job and started writing full time. And when I say ‘full time’ I mean it.
I’ve been working hard on editing and reediting my husband’s and my manuscripts. I’ve started this blog and joined (and participated in) three different social networks. I’ve read more articles than I can count on traditional vs. self publishing, internet marketing, and writing tips.
Through all this, I’ve done very little of the fiction writing that I enjoy so much. But I’m hanging in there because I’m sure that my hard work will pay off and I’ll be able to write for the fun of it again soon enough.
The second change in my life is far more subtle, yet far more important than the other: I’ve fallen away from my first Love. I don’t even want to put it in such strong language, but I feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit telling me that is exactly what’s happened.
Just like I’m not writing for the pleasure of it anymore, I feel I haven’t been walking with the Lord for the pleasure of it.
I’m not saying that I’ve stopped reading my Bible or stopped going to church. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. My husband and I have been actively seeking more fellowship and have been attending a small group. I’ve been reading my Bible every morning and doing extra Bible studies with my husband almost every day. I’ve been reading wonderful Christian blog posts that have been edifying and encouraging. And I’ve sat in front of this screen many times to try and riddle out deep theological questions and search for answers on Bible commentaries and the like. I’ve even started to grow a fondness for teaching and encouraging others, something I was always afraid to do before.
And yet, even with all these spiritual activities going on, I frequently feel lonely for God. I read about Him, I write about Him, I talk about Him, but that personal connection is missing. I’m not enjoying my Savior.
Just like I’ve gotten so caught up in the nuts and bolts of writing that I have no time to take pleasure in it, I have gotten so caught up in the nuts and bolts of Christian life that I have no time to take pleasure in God.
And just like I tell myself to get this hard stuff out of the way and then I can resume the activities that I love, I’ve convinced myself that as soon as things quiet down I’ll have time for God again.
But it doesn’t work like that. It can’t work like that.
I need Him, every hour, every minute, for every breath. Not just the Christian fellowship, or the Scripture readings or the posts about Him, or the conversations about Him… I need Him.
Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of that. I stopped keeping the Main thing the main thing. I pulled away and stopped making time to just sit in His presence and love Him and be loved by Him. Somehow, I’ve forgotten how much I need that.
I’ve been walking the walk and talking the talk but there has been nothing personal about it. I’ve been giving the Lord lip service, while my heart has been far from Him. I’ve forgotten my first Love because showing Him my love has become more important than receiving and enjoying His love. Earning Him has become an idol in my life and He’s been tugging at my attention or a long time now. Too long. Enough’s enough.
I don’t care if I ever succeed in writing, I don’t care if I never see a dime for all the effort I’ve put in. It doesn’t matter to me how perfect my Christian walk appears. It is all vain and meaningless without Him.
My first Love is wooing my heart again, and I’m hard pressed to ignore Him any longer. With His help, this just got personal.