The Story of my 2014 Word

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I few weeks ago I posted a blog about a one word New Year’s Resolution. The idea is to find one word that defines the area you want to grow in during the next year.

Well, I prayed about it and thought about it and I got one word stuck in my head. I think I mostly picked it, but since God didn’t recommend an alternative we’re gonna roll with it.

It concerns an area in my life that God has been working in, hard, since June of 2012: my self-hatred.

I’m not sure how or when it started. At some point during my childhood I just decided I wasn’t such a much and the low self-esteem has stuck with me ever since.

I never really figured it was that big a deal. Self-loathing was my normal, so it must have been everyone else’s too, right?

I even tricked myself into thinking that it wasn’t self-hatred, it was humility.

But as I got older, this ‘humility’ took a dark turn.  I discovered relief in hurting myself, both emotionally and physically.

Self-berating and belittling became a near daily occurrence. I’ve called myself names I would never call another person. And every few months, when the name calling didn’t feel like sufficient punishment, I took things to the next level.

The truly sick thing is, I didn’t view this behavior as wrong. I honestly felt that I was getting what I deserved. It gave me a release and I felt better afterwards.

God had already been ministering to my heart for some months when I met my future husband and read the book he’d written. Your True Value is a self-help book on gaining confidence in your identity as God’s child. I never would have picked up a book like this in the store. It didn’t seem like my cup of tea at all.

But God used it to open my eyes. I finally realized that my self-hatred and self-harming were sinful.

It makes perfect logical sense really. I would never treat one of God’s beloved the way I’ve treated myself. It’s sinful to hurt someone He loves. And since He loves me, it’s sinful to hurt myself.

Unfortunately, I’ve viewed myself as worthless for so long, that love doesn’t feel right or natural. It takes focus to avoid my default setting of self-abuse. I keep getting off track.

Thankfully, God never gives up on me. Slowly but surely, He has been loving me back together.

And that love He’s shown me has opened up a whole new way of living. It enables me to trust Him and serve Him wholeheartedly. It enables me to love Him, myself, and others. It brings me joy, and peace, and hope. And it lets me share that with those around me.

When I let it.

This year, I’m determined, by the grace of God to let Him love me, so I can move past my insecurities and fully enjoy this amazing Jesus.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain.

1Cor.15:10a

For 2014, I’ve chosen the word Loved. Because that is what I am. That is who I am. And that is how I’m going to live. 

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About Leah Ness

I am a self-professed story addict. Ever since I was little, I've had an overactive imagination and a passion for a well-spun yarn. When I grew up, I was blessed with a passion for God as well. It was then that I noticed a relative shortage of unique Christian fiction, the kind that can both captivate you and glorify God. So, despite the hurdles of things like commas and homonyms, I am endeavoring to write some of my own. Check out my Books page for updates on current and future books. View all posts by Leah Ness

15 responses to “The Story of my 2014 Word

  • Karen Pickering

    Leah,

    I’ve missed your posts. Glad to see you back today. I have a couple of lists by Robert Kellemen that might interest you. “Who I Am to Christ” and “Who I Am In Christ”. They are 3 and 4 pages long. They are helpful for right thinking about who we are… Beloved, children of God. I’ll e-mail them to you if you are interested. I’m praying for you.

    Karen

  • Susan Irene Fox

    Oh, what a wonderful word! You are His masterpiece! Why would He make anything less than precious and special and loved?

  • Dan Ledwith

    So glad you figured this out! You are The Father’s daughter. He created you in His image, for His pleasure and glory. Psalms 115:3 (NIV) says Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him. God does not do anything that does not bring Him joy and pleasure—and it pleased Him to make you. I believe that God only does what is the absolute best, and for this world to be the best creation it could be, you had to be in it! He made you, and because of that you are worthy of love. Believe it!

    Grace,

    Dan

    • Leah Ness

      I’m glad I figured it out, too. It was a long road and to be honest, I still forget fairly often. Thankfully God is an incredibly patient teacher. Thanks so much for your encouraging feedback and for reading! God bless =)

  • Elisha

    This is such a wonderful and inspirational testimony!

    waitingforbabybird.com

  • rosesnearrunningwaters

    Beautiful word choice! One I think we can all do to remember more often! God Bless!

    • Leah Ness

      It does seem to be a truth that slips our minds more often than most. It’s my hope and prayer that one day we’ll all realize how loved we are by God. Thanks for reading =)

  • Mich-in-French

    You were fearfully and wonderfully made and you have believed a lie for way too ling. What a revelation and liberating moment when you fully understand the breadth and depth to which our Almighty Elohim loves you. May this be the beginning of an incredible journey of understanding your value to your heavenly Father.

  • Hanz

    Thanks for being so open in your post… but remember ‘So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27 …. If you are created in HIS image…. that means you are beautiful and amazing!

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